The grief that no one talks about…

By now some, maybe most, of you reading this have began or are deep in your healing journey….Congratulations…

***Welcome…Please keep your arms and legs inside the ride. Buckle your seat belt. Pull your lap bar down until it clicks. Keep your head erect and remember to breathe. If you drop anything along the way that’s ok because it probably wasn’t meant for you to keep. Now enjoy the ride*** <——-the instructions we didn’t receive before embarking on this journey

In the beginning it’s fun, exciting, exhilarating even. You’re becoming a new YOU. The realization of what you like and don’t like blossoms; adjusting accordingly to make space for the new. The people closest to you notice a change - some welcome it, while it makes others’ go insane. The one’s who benefited from the distorted version of you slowly start to fall away.

You no longer enjoy the late nights, alcohol and greasy bar food. You listen as the body rejects it, attuning to the gentle whispers that it sings to you.

You stop going out and over time…

Your body becomes more sensitive.

Your friend group fades.

Your clothes change.

Your habits change.

You say no when it’s a no.

You learn healthy boundaries.

Your inner world changes.

It is you with yourself, by yourself, completely stripped naked of all that you thought you were. The person you thought you needed to be in order to be loved by the world. You no longer recognize the person in the mirror anymore.

Screaming, crying, feeling your grief stricken heart break a million times over, feeling each thorn, peeling back the barricade that protected your precious heart.

Every break up, every friendship ending, betrayal, anger, resentment, shame, guilt, blame, disgust, abandonment, loneliness, the torture of the ruminating thoughts, every daunting emotion ever suppressed surfaces as an invitation to meet yourself more deeply and intimately.

No one talks about the PAIN - emotional, mental, physical - that is felt when you decide ‘enough is enough’ and begin to move differently in life. Yes, it’s brave and courageous, AND it is FUCKING DIFFICULT.

You WILL meet parts of yourself that you absolutely fucking DESPISE, you may even refuse to accept that this “monster” lives inside of you.

You may feel unlovable, isolated, and like you want to dig a hole and bury yourself in it.

You ride the roller coaster of grief as the VERY MANY versions of you die.

This ride is no longer fun. You want it to stop. With a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach you realize….the. ride. doesn’t. stop.

Eventually you reach a point of full surrender….over and over and over again. Each time a littler more easier. You stop resisting and become like water - effortlessly flowing through life.

The person reflecting back to you is a beautiful mess with a heart beaming out love and complete admiration for yourself. Don’t forget to celebrate how far you’ve come. Not everyone is brave enough to get on the ride.