What NOT to say to a griever
It’s natural to want to comfort and provide words of consolation to someone who has experienced loss. However, because we live in a grief phobic society people end up saying the WORST things possible to a griever. People often think the words they speak are comforting yet fail to acknowledge how hurtful or empty they actually are.
Loss and grief are tender moments in a person’s life. Stay away from judgments about deceased persons behavior, avoid telling someone what they should do, how they should feel, and never place time limits on their grief.
What not to say to a griever…
“At least ‘xyz’…implies that the loss is somehow less significant, when to the grieving person, it is absolute.
“They’re in a better place”…for someone who is grieving, the “better place” for their loved one is here with them, not somewhere else.
“Time heals everything” or “Life goes on”…this dismisses the depth of their pain. You don’t get over grief, it’s something we learn to dance with throughout life.
“I know exactly how you feel”…grief is deeply personal and even if you’ve experienced loss, you can’t truly know the unique depth and texture of their grief.
“Everything happens for a reason”…this can shut down emotional expression; instead of creating space for them to share their grief, it moves the conversation toward acceptance before they’re ready.
“It was their time to go”…often minimizes their pain and can feel like a cold justification for the death.
“You’re still young—you have plenty of time to have another baby”…suggesting they can just have another baby overlooks the profound bond and sorrow tied to the one they lost.
Please be mindful of your choice of words when supporting someone who is grieving. Most people mean well, yet societal, cliche phrases minimize and shut down how someone feels while grieving. Remember, loss and grief can be the worst pain someone can endure. Never dismiss anyone’s feelings. Don’t assume someone is handling loss well even if they appear to be strong and coping well. Showing someone you care rather than telling them can invite a more profound sense of support. In my experience of working with grievers I’ve found that people don’t want to be a bother to those around them and most often never ask for help. Offering practical support like running errands, watching the children for a few hours, or helping with household tasks may be small gestures yet can mean the world to someone whose life has been shaken.